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What The Rock is cooking: Dwayne Johnson’s next 26 films decoded

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson currently has 26 movies in development. That is a staggering amount of work, possibly equalled only by crippling-debt-era Nicolas Cage. On paper, it looks like a tremendous amount of resources will go into developing all of these scripts. In reality, though, that’s unlikely to be the case, because Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson only really makes three types of film: the ironic action comedy, the kids movie and the disaster epic.

In fact, you can probably guess what happens in all of those forthcoming films just by looking at their names. With this in mind, let’s go through his project list on IMDb and take a guess at the plots from the titles alone, starting with the most recent.

Baywatch

Well, this is easy. Johnson stars in an ironic action-comedy remake of a beloved piece of entertainment, in this case a TV series.

Jumanji

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars in an ironic action-comedy remake of a beloved piece of entertainment, in this case a kids’ film.

Fighting With My Family

Now, this is either going to be a knockabout action comedy about hilarious domestic disputes, or a harrowing kitchen-sink drama about the emotional toil caused by a lifetime of familial resentment. Just a guess, but let’s go with the first one.

Rampage

Johnson stars in an ironic action-comedy remake of a beloved piece of entertainment, in this case a 1986 coin-operated arcade game.

Doc Savage

Johnson stars in an ironic action comedy adaptation of the closest thing he could find to Indiana Jones, after he failed to secure the rights of Indiana Jones.

Journey 3: From the Earth to the Moon

One of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s films for kids, which flits inconsistently between slapstick and foot-of-the-bed ultra-sincerity.

San Andreas 2

Sequel to San Andreas. Just when Johnson has finished putting the world back together after the events of the first film, it’s destroyed again by another earthquake. He vows to dig to the centre of the earth and punch some magma in the mouth.

Black Adam

If I’ve got this right, Johnson dips his toe into the dwindling stocks of unadapted superhero characters to play one of DC’s least-known baddies, the primary antagonist of Shazam!

Shazam!

If I’ve got this right, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson dips his toe into the dwindling stocks of unadapted superhero characters to play one of DC’s least-known goodies, the figure who protects the world from Black Adam. Wait, what?

Big Trouble in Little China

Johnson stars in an ironic action-comedy remake of a beloved piece of entertainment, in this case a film he should absolutely not have been allowed to go anywhere near.

Muscle Beach

Loved Baywatch, but sad that Johnson didn’t just stand in one place lifting things over and over again in it? This is just the movie for you. Untitled Jerry Bruckheimer/Dwayne Johnson Project, Johnson stars in an ironic action-comedy remake of a beloved piece of entertainment, which in all likelihood is Pirates of the Caribbean.

Skyscraper

Either a) a disaster film where Johnson plays a lift attendant tasked with saving his family from a burning skyscraper, or b) an ironic action comedy remake of the little-seen 1996 Anna Nicole Smith vehicle.

Jungle Cruise

Johnson plays Jungle Cruise, a man who enjoys nothing more than cruising in the jungle. One day his hovercraft is attacked by hundreds of alligators, and all the trees catch fire, and he — alongside a woman of such indeterminate age that it’s never really clear whether she’s his wife or daughter — has to machine-gun his way out.

Alpha Squad Seven Tricky.

Since this film has a number in the title, it could be a gritty wartime drama. Then again, Alpha Squad Seven abbreviates to ASS so it’s probably an ironic action comedy.

Untitled Wrestling Comedy

This one might be the comedy drama directed by Stephen Merchant, which would be weird, because that also has the title Fighting With My Family. The likelihood is that this is simply a duplicate. This whole list is nonsense, isn’t it? God, I’m wasting my life. SEAL Team 666 Again, this has a number in the title, so it might be a gritty drama about Navy Seals. Then again, that number is 666, so it might be an ironic action comedy about some soldiers punching the devil.

Racing Dreams

A racing car driver has a dream: to become the world champion at driving racing cars. Johnson plays the car, because there’s no way a man of his size would ever realistically fit in a driving seat.

Untitled Larry Hillblom Project

This is a weird one. Larry Hillblom was the billionaire co-founder of the courier company DHL, and a man who, after he died in a mysterious plane crash, was discovered to have spent years compulsively having sex with young virgins in south-east Asia. He was by all accounts a terrible man, which suggests that this one might not actually be an ironic action comedy. Boost Unit Johnson plays Boost Unit, a tough but kind-hearted car thief who punches buildings or something. Related: Little Hercules: Stuart Heritage eats and exercises like The Rock for a day

Take My Wife

Johnson stars in an ironic action-comedy remake of a beloved piece of entertainment, in this case a reboot of Taken in which Bryan Mills calls

up a series of human traffickers and asks them to abduct his family.

Teddy Bear

Another kids’ film. Johnson plays a teddy bear, which is funny because he is a muscular man in his mid-40s.

Untitled Dwayne Johnson Action Comedy That’s Untitled Dwayne Johnson Ironic Action Comedy to you, sir. Son of Shaolin Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays a Buddhist monk who has to punch his way out of a maximum security jail to save his family from wolves.

Not Without Hope Johnson pulls three words out of a tombola machine at random. “Sure, I can make an ironic action comedy out of this,” he says. “I mean, I’m pretty good at them by now.”

The Janson Directive

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays Janson Directive, a tough soldier or spy or fireman who has to save his family in a knockabout ironic way while dressed up as bloody Humpty Dumpty or whatever. I mean, Jesus Christ.

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